Holding Back

Love.

Love, they say, is the most powerful emotion known to mankind. Even though I have experienced it, I am still terrified of it. It is not something to be dealt with lightly.

I have told someone that I loved them while still being unsure of it. When we me one another face to face, I knew I didn’t love him. I was in love with the idea of him. The animosity of loving him over the internet.

I love to a fault but hold caution when it comes to falling in love. I have both hurt and been hurt when it comes to being in love. If I can spare another human being from heartbreak from me not being so sure of my love, then I will.

At the same time, however, I am scared to fall in love. What if I give my love, my heart, my soul to the wrong person again? Why am I even holding my love back when it is something that should be freely given? There is no reward without risk.

Not every person is the same. Not every person wants to manipulate or hurt me. So why is it, even knowing that to be true, I am still cautious to love? Is it because I was hurt so deeply the first time?

I have no answer. But I do know I have been holding back as of late. In a lot of different ways.

Pure, unconditional love is what I’ve always wanted. Now I’m standing before the demons of my past in silence. Mulling over what I can do or say to make them back down.

Breathe.

Don’t think. Just do.

Love shouldn’t be so hard. It’s the easiest thing to do. Stop over thinking. Just give yourself over to the feeling.

Some words of wisdom:

Age is only a number. You won’t care about the person’s age if they are meant to be.

Fall in love with a soul, not a body.

Fall in love using your heart. Not your eyes.

There is time to obsess over the future. Experience the now.

Never be so obsessed with the end, you miss the beginning.

Don’t be so scared of the fall that you miss the feeling of weightlessness. Don’t stress over if the person will catch you. Trust wholeheartedly that they will. Otherwise, it’s not really love without trust.

Love is nothing without trust and respect.

Communication is key. How are they supposed to fall in love with you over and over if they don’t know what you’re feeling or going through?

Every day is a new adventure. Don’t forget to live it. Even if it is just sitting on the couch in sweats binging on Netflix.

Let them in. Tell them your secrets, hopes, and dreams. Let them become part of your life. It’s not so easy to fall in love with someone you don’t know. (No matter what the books or movies say.)

Don’t. Hold. Back. If you’re going to fall in love, do it with everything you have.

Let them save you, so you can save them right back.

Breathe in. Exhale. Breathe in. Exhale. Don’t think. Just do. Forget the past and start living now.

Remember you are breathing.

Sincerely,

LifeBlocked

He is mine and I am his

Let me just say that no person can be property of another. But you can own someone if they own an equal part of you.

I love it when in romance novels the hero tells the heroine the she is his. “‘You are mine.’ He whispers in a guttural growl.”

It’s almost as if he’s saying, “you own a piece of me I’ll never get back and now I want you to admit the same.”

Give and take, as the saying goes.

Three little words that can mean as much as “I Love You”. You are mine. I am yours.

I’ve been in love but I think it’s safe to say I’ve never belonged to him. He was never mine. And if that is true then I must not have been his. He cheated on me so I guess both is true! 😀 LMAO

I want to find the person to which I belong. To which I own.

Sincerely,

LifeBlocked

Humans Destroy One Another

We humans are a messed up sort. We hurt each other and break each other. Then leave one another to pick up the remaining pieces alone.

We trust and then cheat. We marry then divorce. We love then hate.

We exploit each other’s weaknesses.

We destroy each other.

But the worst part is, we allow it to happen to ourselves.

Because “love is the deadliest poison”. But for the right person, we take it without hesitation. Because in the end, love is the best feeling in the world.

Sincerely,

LifeBlocked

Worst Fears Confirmed

We each live in our own little bubble of insecurities. And then something happens to bring our entire world crashing down on us. The bubble pops and we are left exposed to the world. Scared and alone.

When I was dumped harshly over a year ago, I suspected that he had cheated on me. Then preceded to dump me for this other girl. But to have that fear finally be confirmed last night gave me a new heartache.

And what a funny thing heartache is. You can describe it all you want, but will never truly know the pain behind the word until you have experienced it. Until the bubble pops and those insecurities come pouring out for the world to see.

“How was I not good enough? Did I not love him enough? Was it my fault? How could I not see he was straying?” You ask yourself questions and then begin to analyze. “You weren’t good enough for him no matter how much you thought you were. He found better.” And you begin to down talk yourself.

But you can’t do that. It’s not your fault at all. It’s his.

He’s the one who cheated, not you. You were faithful and kind when he didn’t deserve it.

Your self worth is not based on his actions. It is based on yours.

It’s when he treats you like dirt but you still show kindness. It’s when he tries to tear you down but you don’t let him and even build him up in the process. It’s when he cheats and dumps you but you still remain friends with him. It’s when the entire world is against him and you stand with him. It’s when you really want to hate him for cheating and her for being a home wrecker but still forgive them. It’s when no matter what life throws at you, you still stand up and say “I am worth it”.

Because you are. If not for him or anyone else, then for yourself.

You are worth it.

Sincerely,

LifeBlocked

The ability to destroy…

What I want most in life is someone to share my life with. A great love, if you will. Now that’s not to say I’m desperate and will just go for anyone because all I want is love. No. I want extraordinary love. Not perfect but unconditional. Someone who will make me want to be a better person. Will push me when I need it and comfort when I don’t. Encourage me to be me and do the things I dream. Will act silly with me in private and public. Not a knight in shining armor, but one whose armor has been tested. Who loves me fully and won’t go looking for it elsewhere. Someone who won’t destroy me. Because love is giving somebody the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to.

Breakups & Makeups

What is it that makes some breakups so ugly? The fighting and threatening of each other. Oh gosh, the name calling.

Any time my ex and I broke up, it was such sweet sorrow…or sour bliss. Both work. We would be so nice to each other.

I guess some people are just crazy. Like taking all the money out of the joint bank account. Or telling you you are worthless. Saying you’ll never find anyone better than them. Throwing mean names in your face.

How about some crazy makeup after a breakup? Like my ex telling me he loved me. Even after telling me that he never loved me and is not capable of love. The fact that he told me that he should never have dumped me because I was good for him. And in the next breath saying that I never knew him. I didn’t look into his eyes and know him. That I couldn’t see his eyes change color and know that he loved me.

He became best friends with a girl in his college class. She has a son and was dating someone else while he was dating me. She was the first person to ever get him wasted. Absolutely wasted with alcohol. All while he was dating me. Throughout his schooling, I had a feeling he was losing interest in me. Guess I just didn’t want to believe it. I’m fairly certain he also took her to his aunt’s wedding. Which you would think he would ask his girlfriend to. You’d be wrong. He got wasted and texted me.

So he dumped me for her. The girl who got him wasted. The girl who supposedly can look into his eyes and see his eyes change color. He put me through hell. As you can remember from previous posts.

Well all the hell that he has ever put any girl through, he is getting back double fold. This girl introduced him to her son. Her son introduced him to his grandfather as “my new daddy”. Then after all he went through to be with her, them both dumping their partner, she tells him, “I’m too stressed for a relationship right now”.

I know it’s reallllllly mean, but I couldn’t help but to laugh at that. He dumped me, a girl who would have done anything for him, for a girl who doesn’t seem to want him.

Needless to say, he and I are never getting back together. Which I don’t know if I said this before, but this time it’s true. He’s tried to instigate a relationship and I shot that shit DOWN. I was quite proud of myself, as I had never done that before.

The great part is, I no longer love him. Well not in love with him, anyways. I love him as a fellow human being.

I had quite a few revelations this round of heart break. The term only in your dreams has a whole new meaning for me. I dreamt that I met a very nice, kind, loving man who wanted and loved me unconditionally. I woke up realizing that I no longer loved the ex. Weird, but true. A couple of weeks later, I finally, FINALLY, realized that I do deserve better. After everyone telling me it for years, I finally realized it myself. And damn did it feel good.

It’s weird that after three years and all our breakups & makeups in between, it took a dream to make me free and fly.

Sincerely,

LifeBlocked

Confusion Sets In

I talk to my ex-boyfriend regularly. On a daily basis, I should say. I like that we can still have a relationship, as broken as it is. Mainly because I am still in love with the idiot.

This boy has me going around in circles. He breaks up with me yet doesn’t want me to date. ?? Well, okay then. As if our fragile friendship wasn’t rocky enough.

That isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. One day while we were playing on Xbox, during his lunch break, he says it’s time for him to go back to work. I hear him quietly say my name and when I say “yeah”, he says, “I love you” then gets off! As if I’m not already confused enough, he throws this into the mix.

How can he be so sweet and lovey-dovey yet not want to be my boyfriend? Wants me to be his and his alone and not want to date me?

Yes, I know you are “emotionally damaged”, as you say, but this is just crazy. This rocky relationship of ours has been going on and off since late 2010! I have been up, down, and all around with my emotions where it concerns this boy. Yet, I find I cannot quit him. He is a drug to me. I might very well be addicted to him. And I hate to say it, but I now understand what Edward said to Bella. (Now I must slap myself in the face for that -.-)

It’s almost as if he keeps hurting me because I keep getting too close. That seems a little crazy and absurd though, as he’s shared more with me after break up than before.

One problem I do have, something is changing him, and not in a good way. When we first started talking, he wanted kids. Even had names picked out for a little boy and girl. Then, this week, he tells me that he isn’t so sure he wants kids anymore. Which, why am I even worrying since we aren’t together? Hope. Stupid, blind hope that maybe I can wake him up. That we can have a life together.

But, unfortunately, he has already told me that “nothing will ever be enough”. Nothing I can do or say will help him. In other words, I am not enough. I think that hurts more than the break up. Who is to say that one day he won’t find some other girl that will be enough. Then where will I be? Out of his life. And I am scared for that.

He cares for me and yet he doesn’t care at all. Treats me sweet and mean all at once. Breaks up with me but tells me he loves me. My head spins and the confusion sets in.

Sincerely,

LifeBlocked

Dumped….like a sack of spoiled carrots

So, guess who just got dumped!? That’s right! ME! Am I happy? HELL NO! I’m upset and cried for 15 minutes. I’m pissed and want to punch the man in the face. As soon as it happened, I only wanted to talk to one person. We’ll call that person…hmm…Spartan. Spartan was thankfully still awake and told me that I deserve better. Isn’t that what friends always say after a break up? Oddly enough, I believe it to be true.

Some might think that after a break up, Love Sucks. Me? No, I don’t think that. I think the jerk that broke my heart sucks. Love is too beautiful of a thing to suck.

You might be sitting there thinking, “But LifeBlocked, didn’t you previously write a poem (Adieu) about you wanting to dump him anyways?” To which I reply, why yes, why yes I did. You see, my brain told me I shouldn’t have stayed with him for so long and that I should have dumped him. My heart, however, had it’s own plan. It just wouldn’t let me. Because, despite all of his flaws, I really do love him.

The only problem I have now is getting over the jerkface. True, there will always be that part of me that will love him, but hopefully I will find someone that overpowers that.

It’s lousy though, that I’m 23 years old and gave 3 years of my life to him. In the beginning he always talked about marriage and kids and blah de blah blah. He sure knows how to reel them in. Sure got me hook, line, and sinker.

When I asked him if he ever really loved me, he answered, “I don’t love anyone myself included”. And I ask myself, how could you be so naive. Just as he called me for believing it. But now I wonder, was it really naivete or hope? Did I hope against all hope that he actually did love me and wasn’t just pulling my leg? The thing with me is, I trust until you give me reason not to. Well he sure has given me reason not to, now hasn’t he. I trusted him to tell me the truth about him loving me. He didn’t.

The great part is, I know I deserve better. Most definitely better than him. And I won’t be losing him, he’ll be losing me. I hope one day he wakes up and says, “Why the hell did I give her up?” But by then, it’ll be too late. By then, I will have moved on. I’ll be married to an amazing man, who even though we do have our disagreements, will appreciate and love me unconditionally. I’ll have freaking awesome ass kids and a great house! I will make him rue the day!!! Because success is the best type of revenge.

Although, I shouldn’t really want to have my revenge on him. But I do want him to regret ever having let me go. Now that I think about it, he does deserve revenge! He knew from the beginning that he didn’t and never would love me, and still he dated me! What the hell!? Why the fuck would you do that to someone? Why play with their heart and mind like that? I don’t care who you are or what has happened to you in your lifetime, you do NOT play with someone’s love and/or heart like that.

Gosh, this dumping just might be easy on me, if I hold onto the hate I feel for the man. If he can even be called that. Bah Humbug! I will not let my happiness be ruined.

Sincerely,

LifeBlocked

(It’s okay to hurt. Take all the time you need.)

Adieu, adieu, adieu

Don’t speak of love when all you do is spew hate.

Your actions speak louder than your words as of late.

You say that maybe you’re still in love with me,

But you’re playing with my mind and heart, or can’t you see?

Now everybody’s telling me that I deserve better,

And I’m trying really hard not to be a fretter.

And I hate to say it, but I’m starting to agree,

That you should go and I start thinking about me.

I need a man who can love me with his heart and all.

And not toss my feelings aside like a ball.

You say I’m different from any other girl you’ve met.

But you haven’t proved you’re different from any other guy as of yet.

Now I’m standing in the rain waiting for a kiss to forget the pain.

But you promised another girl you would never give another kiss in the rain.

We don’t talk like we used to and that makes me a little sad.

And when you do text me it’s for sexting and that makes me rather mad.

Now I wouldn’t mind it so much if you’d call yourself mine.

But you don’t believe in “The One” and I’m running out of time.

I’m sorry I make you doubt your love of me, you see.

But I need someone who’s in it for the long run like me.

You don’t believe in “The One” or even True Love.

So you shoot everything down like you do with a dove.

I’ve no doubt you’ve superb hunting skills.

But if you’re not careful, all your loves you will kill.

So open up your eyes before it’s too late.

For I’m standing right in front of you and could be your fate.

It’s time for you to go play with your own heart and mind and go cry.

For I AM not like the others and am not afraid to say goodbye.

If for my own sanity I must leave you behind,

I will say goodbye to you, as you will find.

I’m sorry to hear that you don’t love me fully,

But that’s alright because you’re a bit of a bully.

You’re the first guy to get me thinking about marriage and kids.

Admittedly I’m getting kinda sick of all these emotional bids.

You’re up and then down and jumping all around,

And it doesn’t seem like my feet will touch the ground.

Unconditional Love means I shouldn’t have to change.

I don’t even know if Unconditional is in your love range.

It seems you can’t love me without a job,

And me not having a license seems to be a big prob.

Unless I do what you want, you won’t love me.

And I really need a man who loves me for me.

I’m tired of how inadequate you make me feel.

I think it’s time to let my mind, heart, and soul heal.

Saying goodbye to you will be one of the hardest things I do.

I love you, good sir, but adieu, adieu, adieu.

Falling in Love…

I don’t think she understands why it’s called falling in love.

I believe it’s called Falling in Love because it is one of the most easy, effortless things in life. (notice how I said “one of” not the “only one”) You have to trust the other person to catch you. Yes, sometimes you may get broken in the process, but that’s a risk of falling. Sometimes you have to break to find the person that will help you put back the pieces together.

Some need to be broken to become greater, stronger, wiser.

Sincerely,

LifeBlocked